My struggle with mental problems.

Unless you want to hear hundred percent open talk of my mental problems, do not read any further. I am rather unsure of doing this, as I am going to be all open with you guise, and this is the internets, afterall. But then again... not much I have to loose.
I am doing this just because I've been thinking of doing this for a while for some reason, and just now the power went off, resulting me to go to total panic.

Okay, so where to start... I'll guess I'll start at the point where I fell in love, or, well, a little bit before that. For a long, long time before that sudden thing called love, I had been somehow simply deprpessed. Why? I dunno why, actually. Or, well, I didn't know, back then. So then there's this one day at school. My desk is next to this real sweet girl sitting next to me. I was looking down at my right hand. I time to time have really shaky hands and all, and they tend to do this and that in other ways too. That's just lately though, thanks to deppression, fear, stress and anxiety. But anyways, I was looking down at it. I guess I was moving it from fist to open and backwards, after writing for a while or something. Now I have really easily cracking joins. So it crackled too. So anyways, then, she asked me a guestion. A simple guestion of three words, but somehow it couldn't have gotten any sweeter,she asked me if it hurt, using the exact words "Does it hurt?". It might sound very very plain, but this is when I fell intensively in love. Not just some silly crush, but for real, I fell in love. So hey, there I was, sitting next to the girl I loved, day after day. Now, I dunno how long time it had been, some days, I guess, when I decided to tell her about my feelings. I did this my writing her a poem, wich I then "accidentally" gave her, predicting she'd ask if she could read it, as I am very good at reading people. And hey, so she did. Reading it made her very silent for a while and all. Then, months passed. Day after day, week after week. One of my best real life friends was also her friends. I could read they had feelings for each other. At first, the guy didn't. She did, all the time, even when the guy was with one of her best friends. She denied that, then, at one point. She did that in a way wich made me really sure. Cause, she's just like a book for me to read. Just plain too easy for a bright headed guy like me. Anyways. This made me even more deppressed than I already was before, wich I had been for sucha long time I'm not even sure of it. But hey, it's fine, I thought. There's this certain saying in finland, "It's good to live in hope". And that's what i did. It made me... a little bit happier. Well, then, at some point he, then, asked her if they could, like, get together. She's a real sweet girl, and the first time I came online, she told me she had been waiting for me, had something to say. Being a frickin love blinded idiot I was, I thought she would ask me the guestion he had asked her. But she then explained me how he had asked her that the night before. She said if it would be to bother me, she would say no. But I wanted her to be happy. And I once heard someone say this certain thing, wich is completely true, too. "She might say but we can still be friends, but it's the same as if your dog died and your mother told you you could still keep it". That's the exact way I felt. She knew of my problems with deppression, and she was worried I'd get even more deppressed. However, I couldn't help that. I hit the motherfucking rock bottom. I had, already before, realased certain... obsessions, if I were to say. But then, with suicide as a daily though, I started realising them even more and more. And it infact came worse.
Now then, that's how it started. I fell in love and got my heart broken. Deppressed as *%^& as I where and still am, I soon were to realase I had developed Agoraphobia: marketplace fear, fear of the outside world and crowds of people. I had never liked being in huge crowds of people... Always hated it, actually, if I were to say, I guess. And I've always liked just... being home. But when I had my heart broken, it was a total break down. I wasn't mad at either of them but... I just wanted to die. with OCD breaking loose and starting to develop to what it is now, and agoraphobia breaking down, my life had just became a hell. I, after 1-3 months, finally got over her. I thought the deppression would go away. But it has never left. Eversince a child, darkness has, to me, been a major fear. So nowadays, I live in great anxiety, stress, fear and deppression. Suicide has became, to me, a daily thought. I know it'd make people sad, and therefore I don't really want to do it... but a part of me thinks it'd just be for the best. I have several major and serious obsessions and compulsions thanks to OCD, wich stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder unless you already knew. I can not handle darkness without being so very very afraid my words aren't even enough to say how afraid. The Anxiety is to me a everyday feeling, just like the deppression. The Obsessions and Compulsions simply never let go of me, never let me just rest for a little bit, just like the anxiety and deppression mentioned before. Fear, too. Suicide I think of everyday, like already said. But I indeed can not do it. Not because I am afraid of death. After all I been trough, death seems more kind than indimidating. I can't do it because I do not want to make the people around me sad. All I'm going trough, I'd never want anyone to go trough it, not even a part of it. So hey, I'm fighting it.

Also, my self confidences crap, wich prolly doesn't show out at all. Pretty much just like the rest, deppression and anxiety.

I still feel very unsure after doing this but...
Hey. Now you can all truly say you know me. I guess this can't result anything bad, afterall. I hope. So yes.... just tellin ya. Thanks for your time.

I also want to thank Alucard and Majeh. Without you two, I could never tell all of this so openly. Majeh's simply been there for me... and Alucard did basically the same. Told us his problems.

Alan "Unlike SOME people (COUGH INARI AND AKIRA COUGH COUGH), I'm not going to say 'Whatever your life sucks get over it you big baby fuckhead'. I'm actually going to say that yes, life is tough and has problems, but with understanding. To me personally my life has spiraled down and has yet to rebound, even with medications for depression (yes, it HAS sunk that low), and I can't believe I even live to see tomorrow most every day. I suffer Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from that day they ejected me, and I haven't been the same.

You should hold on to what you've got. You may be younger than me, and this may be harder on you, but I think you can do it. For 12 becoming 13 (according to this site. Is it accurate?), you're probably the most mature I've ever met. Not kidding. You can do it man. You have my support."


It's possible. You can do it.

"The Sun Will Rise Tomorrow"

Alucard009 wrote:Alan "Unlike SOME people (COUGH INARI AND AKIRA COUGH COUGH), I'm not going to say 'Whatever your life sucks get over it you big baby fuckhead'. I'm actually going to say that yes, life is tough and has problems, but with understanding. To me personally my life has spiraled down and has yet to rebound, even with medications for depression (yes, it HAS sunk that low), and I can't believe I even live to see tomorrow most every day. I suffer Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from that day they ejected me, and I haven't been the same.

You should hold on to what you've got. You may be younger than me, and this may be harder on you, but I think you can do it. For 12 becoming 13 (according to this site. Is it accurate?), you're probably the most mature I've ever met. Not kidding. You can do it man. You have my support."


It's possible. You can do it.

"The Sun Will Rise Tomorrow"

Yeah it's accurate... thanks man. ^^
Makes me feel lotsa better. *sudden speechlessness~*

I'm sorry this is so hard for you, but don't give up, everyone here supports you and will continue to do so

I'll still be on msn any time you need to talk mate ^^

Thanks. Sorry but I dunno anything else to say. ^^'

wow... did you know there is this hormone that makes us feel in-love? it works on hamsters now, when you spray them with it and take them away from each other, the showed symptoms like what you disscribed. it works on humans but not to a grate extent, it just makes us open to other people, more trusting, open to the idea of love, you can buy it in a spray bottle, or mix it with perfume. they are working on one that blocks it.

Yes I did

Also, as you mentioned "trust", I remembered I forgot to mention something.

Paranoia. When asked to tell something secret, for example, I have problems trusting, no matter how dear friend it is. Wich really sucks.

But yes, hormones are sucha funny thing. I once infact started researching in the internet if its possible trough hormones to make a wound heal faster, and guess what? It seems so. A hormone that seems to make flesh wounds heal faster.

wants.
or I could make it myself, hell, I already got to the point where I can control my body heat.

Ooooohh. Also with this certain genetic transformation you could in theory increase your stamina to almost double and you'd live a lotttt longer, I've heard. So far only tested on rats.... not on humans, because the scientists say "we shouldn't play god".

Man... That takes guts, courage, and self-respect to talk openly about your "problems"... I am going through a thing like you but very minor to what u suffered... O.o You beat me

Man... That takes guts, courage, and self-respect to talk openly about your "problems"... I am going through a thing like you but very minor to what u suffered... O.o You beat me

^^ thanks, also. Plus, btw, you posted twice, prolly due lag. Deletion time.

sorry

No prob no prob just mentioning.